- ( music playing ) - ( singers vocalizing )
( sighs )
Are--
are we going to be okay?
Really, you think about that?
Are we going to be all right?
I think we're going to be okay.
We have a new king.
( audience laughs )
I think we'll be fine.
What's important for me to say to you guys
is that Trump's victory
is in no way indicative
of a loss for women.
It's not.
It's not a loss for women.
It is, however,
just another victory for men.
Congratulations, guys. We did it again.
We did it again. We still got it.
We still got it.
Still crazy after all these years, you guys.
Look at us. Come on, that's amazing, right?
We've been dominated for how long now? Forever?
Since forever?
That's an amazing--
Phil Jackson couldn't have coached us to more victories.
That's an amazing record for dudes-- just for guys.
God damn it, don't let women--
like, men, seriously, celebrate this shit.
Don't let women make you feel bad about this.
Don't. Like, women are the only minority group
that's half the population.
Like, they're fine.
We are crushing it right now.
Just crushing it.
And with that said, it's going to be pretty bad.
It's going to be pretty horrible, I think, the next few years.
I think we'll be-- I guess we'll be okay.
I don't really know.
Trump's going to, like--
he's going to be on some vendetta shit.
And it's all our fault.
It really is. Trump's going to be mad.
And all we had to do
was be kind of nice to Trump.
That's all we had to do. It's like-- look at you.
You can't even...
Even hypothetically, you're like, "Mm."
That's all we had to do.
All we had to do was be a little nice.
Cordial, at least.
We weren't.
We weren't at all. We were so mean to him.
We were so mean. Like, we picked on his skin.
We picked on his hair.
There was a statue
in the middle of New York City...
of Donald Trump with just the tiniest penis.
We just laughed at that shit.
We took selfies in front of that shit.
And now he's president.
Yeah, that's right.
The dude you bullied in school's got a gun now.
What, was that too dark?
That too much?
Because it's going to get way heavier than that.
I don't care enough to, you know--
I won't pretend to, like, care in front of you guys.
I really want to.
I really--
I wish I felt things.
Like, I'm one of those people
who just doesn't give a fuck about things.
I don't feel strongly about anything.
I don't have a cause that I champion.
A lot of you do, and good for you.
Good for you. No, seriously.
If you have a cause that you champion, good for you.
I'm sure your tweets matter. I'm sure...
Because senators check Twitter, right?
I just don't. I'm not that person.
I don't feel strongly about anything.
I don't like being around people who do.
If you have a bumper sticker on your car,
just know we could never be friends.
That you care enough about a thing
to fuck up a paint job, that's insane behavior.
That's insane.
I'm just not that person.
I want to be, but I'm just not.
I pick causes all the time that I want to care about.
You know, I just like-- I flip through the channels,
I watch the news and I try and pick issues.
I try to care about global warming.
That was a rough week.
That was a lot.
Pretending to care about global warming was a lot.
That's exhausting.
I'm not one of those people.
I know it's a real issue and I know it's destroying the Earth,
but I've been reading a lot about it,
and none of the consequences are immediate enough...
for me to truly give a fuck about it.
I know it's real.
I know it's a real thing, but I just don't...
We're going to be fine.
Our children will be fine.
Who are we saving the world for?
Our grandchildren?
Fuck them.
That's right, fuck your grandchildren. Fuck my grandchildren.
Who are these hypothetical rug rats
I'm supposed to sort paper from plastic for?
Fuck them.
Let them figure it out. They'll figure it out.
They'll grow gills if they have to.
Or not, or they'll die.
I don't give a fuck about your children, is what I'm saying.
There's no issue, and I try really hard.
I try and care about...
I mean, I know global warming's real, but it's not--
is it that dire?
Is it, though?
Yeah?
Yeah? Really? What's the problem?
You could talk, you guys. We're at a...
I know you got on suits and shit.
( laughs )
I hope you feel comfortable.
I hope everyone feels comfortable.
Yeah, what's the problem?
Rising rivers.
Rising rivers? That's all right.
( laughs )
It's a little extra water, man.
We're good. A little extra water.
By the way, I don't conserve water at all.
I'm supposed to. They tell me to.
I live in L.A.
And, like, once a week they tell us
that L.A.'s going to run out of water.
And we're not.
We're not. We're really not. We're going to be fine.
Like, L.A. has far too many rich people in it
for us to actually run out of water.
Like, you think that they're going to let--
you think they're going to let Steven Spielberg
run out of water?
That's not going to happen.
He thinks of all his ideas in the shower.
We're going to be fine.
I go through entire albums in the shower.
I don't think about it at all.
And I know the biggest problem--
one of the biggest problems I read about
was that we're going to lose a lot of species,
you know, that are endangered right now
because of, you know, global warming.
And-- and I read that we're going to lose the tigers.
And-- cool.
As it turns out, we don't really need tigers.
We just selfishly like knowing they're there.
We're fine without tigers.
When was the last time you saw a tiger in real life?
What are tigers around for?
Like, decorations at your aunt's house?
We're good. We don't really need tigers.
I mean, sure, there'd be a few awkward questions
for some of you at a grocery store someday if we lose the tigers.
Like, "Mommy, who's that on the Frosted Flakes box?"
"That's no longer our concern, son."
"Tony's dead." That's what you'll tell your children.
"Tony's dead."
None of it seems like an issue.
Like, none of it...
I want to care.
I really want to feel strongly about things.
I try and support the troops. I do support the troops.
I should start this off by saying that I support the troops.
I do. I don't know what that means.
None of you really know what that means.
We say it. "I support the troops."
That sounds nice. That sounds sweet.
But how do you support them?
What do you do? I don't know what to do.
Like, mostly it's hypothetical situations.
I crush it supporting the troops in hypothetical situations.
Like, if a troop-- like...
If I worked at Subway--
if I worked at Subway and a troop came in
and he ordered, like, double cheese on a sandwich,
I wouldn't charge him the extra 35 cents.
I wouldn't. I'd be like, "No, no, you've done enough.
Get out of here with that, troop.
What are you doing?"
But in real life, I could do more.
I should do more. I want to do more.
I mean, would I give up my seat in first class
for a troop returning home?
No, of course not. That's crazy talk.
That's crazy. I'd be like,
"You just flew 15 hours from Afghanistan.
You could do another five in economy, troop."
That's what I would say to the troop, to their face.
And that's fucked up. I get it, but...
I have a little brother
who joined the Army Reserves, right?
He joined the Army Reserves, and I was really proud of him.
I was so proud of him. We all were...
until we realized it made him kind of arrogant.
Like, a little arrogant.
I noticed this. I was back home.
We were trying to find a movie to watch together.
And I wanted to watch, like, "Zero Dark Thirty,"
about how we, like, killed Bin Laden,
because I had never seen it before.
And he shut it down in such an arrogant way.
He was like, "No, I don't want to watch that movie.
It's not accurate.
We would have never killed Bin Laden like that."
To which I responded, "First of all, nigga,
who the fuck are 'we'?
Because, like, you're in the pretend Army."
And then, I guess-- really quickly,
I'll say the three hottest things I said during that argument.
Thing number one, I said,
"Both 'Zero Dark Thirty' and the Reserves
are only based on real-life events."
I thought that was pretty good.
And then I said, "You are essentially in a flash mob in camouflage."
Right? But I-- that was pretty good, right?
That's not bad, right?
And then...
Okay, the third thing I said you're not going to laugh at.
None of you are going to laugh at it because you're good people.
I can feel it. You wore suits.
You're good adults.
Bet you guys own stamps and shit.
Bet you guys put things on simmer.
That's what being a good adult means.
But mostly, you're going to forget
that in the context of an argument,
I thought this was brilliant, okay?
In context.
I said, "I don't know why you're criticizing that film
when more people have died in movie theaters
than in the Army Reserves."
( laughs )
I really like--
I like your expressions on that.
But that's me trying.
I swear to God, I'm trying.
That's really the point of all of this shit.
I just want you to know I'm really trying.
I'm really trying.
Like, I'm trying to care and feel things
and, like, feel strongly about things.
The thing that I care about the most is, like, you know,
I care about black issues.
I want to be a better black person.
I don't know how to be...
a great black person.
- I really don't. - ( man sneezes )
I want to. God bless you.
I'm an okay black person.
I'm okay. I'm not the worst.
I'm not the best.
I'm somewhere in the middle.
I want to, like...
It's hard.
It's hard being a great black person.
It's a lot of work. Like, being...
It's exhausting being black.
It is.
You know.
Yeah. Right?
It's a lot of work, right?
Every fucking day.
Every fucking day you wake up,
and it's an added fucking element.
It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work.
I mean, sure, it looks fun.
Especially when we're, like, dancing.
Or, like, flying through the air dunking on somebody.
That shit looks amazing, right? It's a lot of fucking work.
Like, it's a burden.
Right?
It's a fucking burden.
You're here with white people.
You're here with her? That's a lot of...
Explain that to your grandma.
Right? You are-- you're a beautiful woman.
But he would have to fucking...
Is your grandma alive?
- No, but it's cool. - She's dead, right? Yeah.
That's why I feel like I can date white girls, because my grandma's dead.
It's just like, oh, yeah, we're fine.
We're fine. There's a lot--
if his grandma were alive, you would be a secret.
Right? A hundred percent.
It's a lot of fucking work, right?
Being a fucking black person, God damn it.
God damn it, you guys don't know the fucking work--
oh, fuck!
My accountant doesn't seem to understand
that being the only nigga that made it out
is a business expense.
It costs a lot of money.
No, it's very, very expensive.
It cost-- like, no, I got to buy these sneakers because Twan is in jail.
It costs a lot of money.
That's how I justify things.
It's hard,
because especially-- like, me, I grew up poor.
I grew up really poor and, like--
and now I buy, like, a...
All of my life is just me trying to overcompensate
for a poor childhood.
It's me buying dumb shit to fix a broken childhood.
That's all it is. I buy a lot of dumb shit.
I buy a lot of shoes, a lot of sneakers.
In fact, the next time you see, like, a young black guy in new shoes,
stop and ask him, "Who hurt you?"
Ask him, "What went horribly wrong?"
I'm telling you, every pair of Jordans comes with a story.
Every pair.
I buy a lot of stupid shit
because I grew up poor.
I buy a lot of cereal.
I do. I make a lot of cereal.
Mostly because-- we had cereal growing up,
but it wasn't the good kind.
It was all, like, bullshit.
Like, all my cereal came in, like, a brown box
and it said "cereal" on it.
And now I buy, like, a lot of cereal.
Like, a lot.
You know how much cereal I buy?
You would think a teacher once told me,
"Nigga, you'll never have cereal."
That's how much cereal I buy.
Like I'm rebelling against something.
All of it is exhausting.
And I want to be a great black person.
You want to connect. I want to do more.
I want to give back. I try and give back.
I don't, like, donate to black causes and organ--
like, I want to give more, but...
it's hard, because mostly--
and I'm being very truthful with you guys--
I don't connect with, like, the names of black causes
and organizations sometimes.
Because, like, the names sound really antiquated.
Like, I don't want to give to the United Negro College Fund.
I don't know any Negros.
Especially not any united ones.
I don't want to give to that.
I'd give so much money to, like, the Send a Nigga to School Fund.
I know a lot of niggas that should go to school.
They're smart enough. They're capable.
There's a...
It's just a different school of thought.
I want us to be further along than what we are.
You know?
I really want us to be. And...
I think that maybe we think differently.
You know, it's a different generation of thought, maybe.
Different values, different things that we hold on to.
Like, if I'm being honest with you guys,
and I really am,
like, Jay Z means way more to me than Martin Luther King.
That's true. It's not even close.
I'm being real with you guys. It is not even close.
I know every Jay Z lyric.
I only know, like, four bars of the "I Have a Dream" speech.
Like, there's-- there's something about a mountain in there, right?
And then, like-- then he tells us not to go chasing waterfalls.
Oh, that wasn't him. I'm sorry.
I wish Pharrell produced that speech, man.
I would know-- I would know all of that shit.
There are a lot of faults that, just as a black person,
like, I'm afraid to share.
It's a lot-- okay, look.
Don't break eye contact with me. I need you right now.
I feel really crazy saying this shit out loud in public,
and I need you, okay?
All right?
( sighs )
I saw a group of niggas I didn't know by my car the other day...
and I had a decision to make.
And you know what I did?
I turned around. I went back in Starbucks.
I got a hot chocolate. I waited that thing out.
I was like, "This, too, shall pass."
I was afraid. Why was I afraid?
What the fuck? Who-- why would I feel that way?
I feel horrible about that.
Maybe they were nice.
They were probably nice.
Maybe we would have bonded, connected.
Talked about episodes of "Martin" for, like, 15 minutes.
It could have been amazing.
Or maybe not.
Maybe they were mean.
Like, maybe they'd rob me.
Or even worse--
try and sell me a bunch of mix tapes.
I don't want your goddamn mix tape.
Being black is just part of it.
So many things to try and feel. I want to feel, man.
I want to care about things, man.
I really do.
I know I was talking shit about tigers.
I want to care about animal rights.
( laughs ) I-- I don't.
As it turns out, I don't give a fuck about animals.
A lot of you do. You can feel it.
You guys got-- you guys got weird.
I'm not going to harm an animal.
I just don't care whether they live or die.
Is that unfair? Is that unfair?
- Woman: Yeah. - Yeah?
Why?
Woman: How do you say you like animals,
but you don't care about them, whether they live or die?
Like, that shit doesn't make sense.
No, it makes sense-- no, no, this is what that means.
So, like, if I leave here
and, like, on my way home, I hit a squirrel,
I'm not going to stop the car.
It's a fucking squirrel.
That's what happens to squirrels.
Squirrels get hit sometimes.
That's their mass shootings.
Everybody got shit to deal with.
Like, squirrels got to get hit sometimes.
I'm not going to stop-- I don't care.
And I tried to care. I really did.
I want you to know that.
It means a lot to me that you know
that I tried really, really hard.
I had a dog.
I had one-- it's--
Just so you know, I didn't kill that dog.
I know it sounds like I killed the dog.
I didn't kill the dog.
She retired on her own after 15 fights.
She was a--
I didn't--
I didn't...
No, I really tried.
And I tried to love that dog.
I tried really hard to, like, care about it.
I tried to, like, feel something.
I let her, like, sleep in the bed with me.
I let her lick my face,
even though that's disgusting.
It is. I know what they say about dogs' mouths
being cleaner than ours, but that's just something white people made up
to justify their actions, because it's not.
It's fucking disgusting.
It's really bad.
Like, I've never eaten my own shit before.
She did that on the reg.
She was a disgusting, disgusting beast.
And I tried.
I named the dog after, like, a dead ex-girlfriend
so I wouldn't give her away.
Didn't work.
I thought it was going to make me softer and warmer and shit.
That's the goal, you know?
Just to be nicer and warmer and care about things.
And I just-- I don't.
And I don't know what's going to do it.
I mean, I think...
I want a-- I want a girlfriend.
Yeah, I do.
I mostly want dope Instagram moments.
And I know you have to have a girlfriend for that.
You do. To really crush it on Instagram,
you got to have a girlfriend.
They can't all be selfies.
Like, someone should be in the picture sometime.
I see a lot of moments constantly
where it would be nice to have a girlfriend.
Like, I was walking through a park
and I saw two people on a paddleboat.
And I thought, "Oh, fuck, I want to get on a paddleboat.
That looks delightful."
But you got to have a girlfriend first.
Got to have a girlfriend for that.
You can't just get on a paddleboat with one of your niggas.
You both got on basketball shorts and wifebeaters.
It's just not a great picture.
It just doesn't shut down the Gram, is what I'm saying.
But I don't have a girlfriend, and I thought about this a lot.
I was trying to figure out why.
I don't have a girlfriend because I know deep down in my heart
I'm an amazing boyfriend.
I really am. No, I'm really great at it.
I'm a great boyfriend.
But I know that being a great boyfriend is exhausting.
It is. It's exhausting.
And it's a thankless job.
There are great boyfriends here tonight
who don't get the credit they deserve.
And you know how I know?
Because I just left room for, like, a cheap applause break,
and no girlfriend in here clapped.
I was like, "It's a thankless job,"
and girlfriends looked at their boyfriends like,
"Fuck you," and it was cold.
"And you're cold bastards,
and you should be ashamed of yourselves."
But it is.
To be a great boyfriend is a lot of work.
It really is. Like, you got to--
you're not a human being anymore, you're a boyfriend.
You relinquish being a human being.
Like, you're just-- it's 60/40.
You're 60% boyfriend, 40% Steve,
or whatever the fuck your name used to be.
Who gives a fuck? You're not a...
Got to do boyfriend things.
You got to think like a boyfriend.
It's a lot of work.
Being a great boyfriend means you got to, like,
answer questions you don't have the answer to.
You do. Girls ask a lot of questions.
A lot of questions that seem really innocent on the surface,
but it's like really--
it's always deeper than what it sounds like.
It always, like--
it always means something more...
They sound so sweet.
Just questions like,
"What are you thinking?"
"Nothing, really."
I got a little angry.
They don't stop there.
The questions go deeper.
Like, more existential, even.
Questions like,
"What's wrong?"
"I don't know what's wrong.
That's why I'm watching the game.
Hopefully I'll forgive my father by halftime."
To be a great boyfriend means you got to text.
You got to-- like, not only do you have to respond to texts,
you also have to send, like, random, unsolicited happy texts.
You know, just random 3:00 p.m. "Thinking about you"
when you're not.
When you're not at all. It's 3:00.
You're thinking about important shit, like a sandwich,
or-- or ISIS.
But you got to send that shit.
It's a lot. Texting girls is a lot.
If you don't believe me, just ask a girl
how her day went via text.
And then sit back and wait for, like,
the six-paragraph Robert Frost poem that she sends.
It's always too much. It's too much information.
I can't handle it.
Like, I asked a girl how her day was,
and she was just like, "You know what I learned today?
Even at my weakest,
I can still find strength in knowing."
And all my responses--
all my responses to that shit are so lazy.
All my responses are like, "Oh, word."
"Oh, that's crazy.
That is crazy you feel that way."
That's too much work.
And I could do it. We could all do it.
I know what I could text a girl at the end of a day.
I could text something like, "Hey, I know it's been a rough day at work,
but that place would fall apart without you.
And, quite frankly,
so would I."
Yeah. That's a fucking amazing text, right?
That's a great text.
Feel free to use that, by the way.
That's not just mine. That's all of ours.
Thanks for coming out. Thank you, guys.
No, no, that's a great text message.
A great text.
That text took me six hours to write.
Six hours. I could have cured cancer.
Instead, one text message.
I could have cured it, but I couldn't start it.
I could have bought, like, a lab coat
and some beakers and shit.
Like, some hydrogen peroxide. I'm sure that's in there.
One text.
That's why I'll never be in a relationship.
Because you know what I end up texting a girl
at the end of the day?
"You up?"
It's way easier.
It's only, like, three letters
depending on how you spell the word "you."
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid. I'm terrified. I'm terrified.
I'm terrified of not finding the right girl.
And I don't know what that means.
We say "the right girl." I don't know what that means.
I really would like a girl that's, like-- I don't know,
that just, like, accepts that some people
earn the right to cheat.
That would be nice.
You agree, right? You don't disagree with that.
We get it. Let's be adults.
Thank you very much.
We disagreed on animals, but we're back.
You earn the right-- like, certain people earn the right to cheat.
Like, I think that-- I don't think you should cheat
unless you've earned it.
In fact, I think we need to bring integrity
back into adultery.
Like, I don't think that everybody should just cheat.
Earn that shit. You work hard for it.
Like, if you get cheated on
and the person that cheated on you
makes less money than you,
you should fuck their car up.
They deserve it. Fuck them.
They won't even be-- they won't be able to afford to get it fixed.
They have to, like, ride around with a trash bag
in the window of a Civic like a plebe.
I'm not shitting on Civics.
I'm just saying it's not a first-choice car.
But if you get cheated on
and the person who cheated on you makes more than you--
I don't know, just stop and think about it for a few minutes
before you do anything crazy.
Think about where you've been, how far you've come.
Don't fuck their car up.
Remember when Tiger Woods got caught cheating on his wife,
and his wife took a golf club and she fucked his car up?
You remember that? How did you feel about that?
- Woman: He deserved it. - No, but...
I know you think he deserved it, but-- no, but it didn't hurt Tiger.
Don't clap for that. It didn't hurt Tiger.
It didn't do shit for Tig-- you know what Tiger Woods did
after his wife fucked his car up?
- Woman: What? - He didn't buy another car.
They gave him another car.
Because even his adultery was sponsored by Buick.
It was amazing.
And he earned it.
He earned it.
It's hard to talk about cheating.
I get it. I know no one wants to talk about it.
I know it makes people feel weird.
We like to ignore it, largely, as a society.
There's a reason fairy tales don't have sequels.
Like, really, because it would be too much for any of us to handle.
We couldn't handle the sequel to a fairy tale.
"Cinderella II" would just start
with Cinderella asking the prince,
"How come you didn't come home last night?"
And the prince just feeling indignant, like,
"Bitch, I rescued you from the gutter.
All right? You were making dresses with mice when I met you.
Never forget that.
Don't forget where you came from."
"Rapunzel II" would just be Prince Charming
fucking every girl in the village
while Rapunzel's hair falls out from stress.
It would be so dark.
"Beauty and the Beast," just like--
it's just Belle being like,
"You used to be a beast, now you're a monster."
I know it sounds fucked up.
I get it.
I hope you guys understand that love is built on lies.
It is. No, it is.
That's also the name of my new jazz album.
"Love is Built on Lies."
It is.
We're all smart people, probably, right?
I get it. Enough.
All of us shouldn't have voted, but whatever.
We're smart people. We're adults.
And then we get dumb as shit when it comes to love.
Really, because we want to believe in, like,
the beautiful version of love.
The fairy tale version, the way it's supposed to look and sound and feel.
What people's intentions are.
Why people do the things they do.
Like, we don't want to believe the reality of love,
so we believe crazy shit.
Like, we do.
We believe men propose because of love.
And that's just not true.
That's not why a man proposes to you.
In fact, that's not the last emotion a man feels
right before he proposes.
Love? No.
The last emotion a man feels
right before he proposes isn't love.
It's...
fuck it.
It is. It's "fuck it."
He starts justifying it in his head.
"Well, she already moved in. Fuck it."
Sure.
Fine.
These are my wedding vows.
Fine, just...
say "I do" so we can eat.
Fine.
Whatevs.
By the way, I think inviting someone to a wedding
is one of the rudest things you could possibly do.
And we got to stop doing that.
All together, we got to stop.
No one wants to go to your wedding.
I don't want to break the news to you
while you're wearing wedding clothes,
but no one wants to go.
Got to fucking buy a suit and buy you a gift,
all to watch you make a decision.
That's so silly.
You know, marriage isn't an accomplishment.
It's a decision.
Now I got to buy clothes and get you a toaster.
I always get a toaster.
That's my go-to wedding gift. I get a toaster.
Four-slice if I believe in the marriage.
You know, because--
because you're probably going to have kids and stuff.
And then two-slice if I think it's going to fall apart.
Because what's a divorced person going to do
with all that goddamn toast?
But we do believe really crazy shit when it comes to love.
This is going to be maybe a little fucked up.
I can't tell how you guys are feeling.
We believe our grandparents actually loved each other.
Do you think that?
Come on, let's be adults about this shit. Come on.
That's not why they were together for 50 years.
They were together for that long because...
your grandma didn't have a lot of options.
Like, she didn't.
She only got married because it was a different time
and she was feeling a lot of pressure to,
because she was about to turn 14.
And everybody was like, "You got to get married, Gloria.
You ain't nothing without no man."
Whatever they said to women in the '40s.
And she panicked.
Saw some dude down the street named John
who knew how to fix trucks, and was like,
"I think I could build a family around that. Fuck it."
And that's how we got here. But it wasn't love.
Think it was love? No.
Your grandma dealt with a lot of bullshit.
She was married to your grandpa.
And who is that dude, really?
Do you know him? Do you know your grandpa?
Like, as a man, as a husband, did you really know him?
I'll tell you who he was.
I'm sure nice guy. Sweet guy.
I'm sure he kept Werther's Originals in his pocket.
But as a husband, as a husband,
all of our grandfathers were horrible pieces of shit.
All of them.
I know that's a lot to deal with, but they all were.
Like, they just weren't-- good husband is a new concept.
That shit wasn't created till, like, the mid-'80s when "Family Ties" came out.
That was like-- that's some new shit.
Like, your grandpa wasn't a good husband.
At best, he was emotionally distant.
That's the best grandpa husband you're getting--
one that shuts down, he doesn't want to talk about things,
ignores family issues,
pretends your uncle isn't gay.
A real TV-heavy grandpa. That's the best version of it.
At worst-- and this is going to sound dark, but fuck it.
Listen...
he probably hit your grandma.
I know. Don't cover your mouth. It's fine.
But probably. Maybe not, but, yeah.
Because, again, it was a different time,
and he was in a war.
I don't know. Just...
one Thanksgiving, man.
Something about the cranberry sauce.
Just triggered this flashback.
And he yelled "Charlie" and punched your grandma in the face.
And it was dark. And it was dark.
It's a blemish on your family record.
But she dealt with it, because that's what grandmas were.
There were strong back then.
Like, my grandma wasn't really that happy,
but I didn't want to see that.
I didn't want to see the truth of how she was feeling,
so I would just make up things in my head, you know?
I would just make up feelings for her.
I'd see her and be like, "Oh, look, there's Grandma...
knitting.
Because she loves to knit."
Not because it's the only way I know how to move time forward.
Because that's dark, right?
You don't want to think about Grandma like that.
That's too fucked up.
I'd be like, "Oh, look, there's Grandma baking cookies,
because she has a great recipe."
Not because, "Without these cookies,
I have no identity.
I'm merely John's wife."
I'm sure not your grandma.
That's part of love, man. That's why I just want to--
I really just want a girl that just--
that gets it, that accepts the realities of love.
Like, the realities of...
And also, when we're talking about cheating,
and I want to make this clear, I don't mean it to sound sexist.
You know? I think that men earn the right to cheat.
I think women earn the right to cheat.
If you're a girl who makes way more than your guy,
please, what are you waiting for?
What are you doing?
Go out there and cheat.
Life is short. What are you doing?
I think about this all the time.
Like, if I were married to Beyoncé right now
in my current financial state...
and I heard these rumors
that Beyoncé were cheating on me, right?
And then finally, one morning over breakfast,
I actually built up enough courage
to confront Beyoncé about it.
And we're sitting at the table. She was across from me.
I was a little nervous.
Took a sip of my coffee.
I was like...
( sighs )
Hey, Beyoncé.
Look, I know I'm going to sound crazy
even bringing this up.
I don't want to bring it up, but I just got to.
( sighs )
Jerrod, you said you were going to ask her, just ask her.
Look, Beyoncé...
are you cheating on me?
And then even if Beyoncé,
not giving a fuck about my feelings,
like, not caring how her response affected me inside,
just looked me dead in my eyes and was like,
"Yeah, I'm cheating on you."
Then she ate a fistful of eggs like a monster.
Like a goddamn monster.
And it really broke my heart.
And it really tore me up inside.
You know what I'd do? You know how I'd handle that?
I'd vacuum and shut the fuck up.
It's like, Beyoncé bought me a Lexus.
You know how hard it is to get a new Lex-- I think about this a lot,
like, the things that we should deal with.
Beyoncé could hit me.
Like, seriously, I'd just be wearing sunglasses to brunch.
Like, "Oh, let me guess, Jerrod, you ran into another door."
Like, look, man, she's going through a lot.
She's on tour right now. She's got a dance.
She's got a fucking-- fire comes up beside her
and she's got to remember where the fire is.
She's going through a lot. I'm not the best husband, okay?"
I'm trying to think of what else
I would let Beyoncé get away with.
Beyoncé could...
fight my mom once.
Like, one for-real fistfight,
where she, like, kicked my mom's ass.
And my phone call to my mom would go like,
"Yeah, but she redid your kitchen, Ma.
Let's see the big picture here. What are we doing?"
Why does...?
What are we...?
What am I rebelling against?
Like, why does the idea of, like, love and relationships and things
sound so foreign and so fucked up to me?
I don't know.
I don't know what the...
What do I actually believe in?
This is-- this may be divisive...
but I, for one, believe
that life begins at Plan B.
Really. Like, you haven't lived
until you've seen a girl you barely trust
swallow a Plan B pill.
Really. There is no greater joy on Earth.
There is no better feeling I could describe to you.
It's euphoric. It's amazing.
It's amazing. Like, the closest feeling to it,
ironically enough, is having a child.
Like, that's the closest feeling to watching a girl
just swallow the pill finally and then drink a glass of water,
and the water wash away the fears of tomorrow.
It's amazing. It's amazing.
Oh, my God, it's amazing.
Not having a kid is way better than having a kid.
Way better.
And if you disagree, it's because you probably got kids.
And, hey, good for you, really.
I mean that. I'm sure your kid is just the best.
Just the greatest. Your little miracle.
Congratulations on your little--
that's what my friends call their kids-- miracles.
You know what the difference
between a miracle and a mistake is?
Two trimesters.
That's the difference.
It's like, "Oh, it's too late to do something about this?
Oh, look at this blessing God has blessed us with.
This little blessing of ours."
I would like to meet one parent
that speaks honestly about their kid.
One parent that speaks about their kid
without using words like "gifted" or "advanced,"
that just talks about how the kid's doing in school,
how the kid's doing in life without you--
like, just-- just, like, "Look, this is my son.
He's in the fifth grade
and he reads like a fucking fifth grader.
What do you want from us?
What are you looking for? The next president?
You may as well mosey along to the next house.
I'm just raising a regular dude.
At best, we hope he doesn't murder anybody.
Just one parent who talks like that.
Then maybe I would stop rebelling against it.
Maybe not. I don't know.
I think that being a parent is exhausting. It's a lot of work.
I really think that being a parent
is essentially a 12-year investigation
into making sure your kid wasn't molested.
Yeah. No, I get it, it sounds heavy.
But it is what it is. I really think that.
Like, because kids say a lot of things that make you nervous.
You know, they allude to things. You just want to keep them safe.
They say things-- I have a nephew who does this all the time.
Like, I was back home,
and all my nephew said was,
"People say weird stuff in the bathroom sometimes."
That shut dinner down.
Okay?
We spent the next four hours being like,
"What people? What bathroom?
Did anybody touch your dick?"
It was exhausting.
That's what being a parent is.
Why are we still doing that shit?
Why are we still having kids? Man, what are we doing?
Some weird "Game of Thrones" legacy shit?
If you don't agree that not having a kid
is way better than having a kid,
it's because you never watch "Maury."
Because if you've seen at least one episode of "Maury,"
you'd know that when a man is told
he's not the father...
he dances.
Do you hear what I'm saying to you? He dances.
Do you know how happy you have to be
to dance in a crying baby's face?
The happiest.
You have to be so happy.
I don't think I would dance.
Like, if I were told I was not the father on "Maury,"
I don't think I would dance.
I think I would practice more restraint.
I'd just give one of those Tiger Woods victory...
You know, like-- ( laughs )
Like when OJ won. Just like a little...
( laughs )
I'm-- I'm-- I'm pro-choice, man.
I'm really pro-choice, though.
Like, perhaps too pro-choice.
Like, it's not really an option?
I don't force anything, obviously,
but I strongly suggest.
I'm one of those guys. I really suggest.
She's like, "Hey, I think I'm pregnant."
Then I'm like, "All right, well,
we're going to take care of that, right?"
Like, one of those guys.
"Just so we're clear about 'take care of,'
I mean get an abortion, not actually raise the child.
We got it-- you got it."
I don't even call it-- I don't even call it that anymore.
I really-- I think the labels are mixed up.
I think that getting an abortion should be called being pro-life.
Because...
it just depends on whose life we're talking about.
You talking about my life?
Yeah, I'm pro-living my life, doing what I want to do.
No babysitter. I'm into that.
I try and make it sound cute, though.
Like, a really important thing that I've learned--
an important life lesson that I want to share with you guys
is that if you're going to ask a woman
to get an abortion--
if you're going to do it, if the situation calls for it,
you got to make that shit sound adorable.
Like, you do. When you ask,
you can't even use your regular voice.
"Go get an abortion." That's too abrasive.
That makes water shake in glass, like in "Jurassic Park."
You got to make it sound fun.
You got to make it sound like a fun activity
that the two of you are going to do together
on a Saturday.
Like, you got to make it sound delightful.
Like, she's like, "Hey, I think I'm pregnant."
You got to go, "All right, well,
tomorrow morning we'll just go down to the doctor and...
boop-boop-be-doop."
Like, that type of shit. That's how you ask.
You got to make it sound-- you got to use baby talk.
Am I going to find love? I don't know.
I don't know what I'm doing, God damn it.
That's a fear.
I realize I got a lot of--
I got a lot of fears.
A lot of things I'm terrified of.
I'm afraid of going bald before I fuck Rihanna.
You know, that's a big fear. I think about that a lot.
I'm not going bald, but I also haven't slept with Rihanna yet,
and it's like this race.
And that's not even the top three.
That's, like, my number four fear.
Like, my number three fear is the cough of an immigrant.
And then my number two fear is ISIS.
I think about ISIS a lot.
I'm afraid of ISIS. You guys seem fine.
You guys are so brave. Look at you.
You don't think about ISIS? You never consider it?
I'm terrified of ISIS. I think about them a lot.
Like, in all of my plans, I think about ISIS.
I think about going to a place
that's, like, shoot-up-able.
Like, any time I leave my home,
I have to think about where I'm going.
I only go to places ISIS approves of.
Really, like, I got invited to a lesbian wedding.
And I really wanted to go.
I really did. I just-- I couldn't.
I just kept staring at the invitation, thinking,
"ISIS isn't going to like this."
You know what I mean? Like, I could hear the news story.
I could see the yellow tape. It made me nervous.
Only go to places ISIS approves of.
It dictates all of my thoughts
and all of my actions and decisions.
Like, this girl thought we were going to go to the movies
at 8:00 p.m. on a Friday night.
I was like, "What are you, crazy?
That's just when ISIS thinks I go to the movies."
I said, "I will see you at 11:00 a.m. Monday morning...
where it's safe.
But that's, like, not even number--
my number one fear...
How do I say this?
Uh...
my number one fear is...
I'm afraid of rape accusations.
I really am.
I've been avoiding them...
by doing this thing where...
I just don't rape anybody.
- ( applause ) - And it's going great.
No, thank you. I appreciate it.
Yeah, but-- yeah, I mean, thank you for clapping.
It's going great for now. I don't know.
Like, I don't know what's going to happen.
For now I'm afraid of the accusation.
I'm not going to rape anybody,
I'm just afraid of the accusation.
Perhaps it's irrational. I get that it's irrational.
But I'm just afraid of there being
some sort of, like, misunderstanding.
When's the last time you were about to sleep with someone and they went,
"Ahem, yes, I would like to have sex with you now."
No one says it. We don't say it out loud.
We don't communicate enough during sex.
Shit sounds gross.
To actually say what you want, to ask for things,
to request things during sex is too much.
Like, if I want a blowjob, I can't say to a young woman, "Suck my dick."
That's so aggressive.
That's not how you win the heart of a young lady.
That's how you win a rap battle. "Suck my dick"?
Can you imagine saying that?
"Suck my dick"? You don't say that.
That's what lends itself to the fear.
Also, because sex gets kind of rapey sometimes.
It does. It really does.
It's mostly because choking is in right now.
You guys knew that.
No, choking is hot right-- did you not know that?
Oh, choking is hot. Choking's the new "Pokémon Go."
That shit is sweeping the streets.
Everybody's choking. Are you guys not choking?
What are you waiting for? Get out there and choke.
Come on, what are you...?
Everybody's choking. Everybody, except me.
I'm not choking. I would like to choke.
I just-- I just can't. I don't.
I don't choke.
Mostly because I sleep with a lot of white girls.
I don't know, there's just something
about seeing my black hand...
like, around their porcelain neck that just feels dangerous.
It feels dangerous.
Like, any time my hand gets close to their neck, I can hear sirens.
It's like... ( imitates siren )
I'm not choking her, but...
But you guys should go choke. What are you waiting for?
Get out there and choke.
Go choke for me.
It's mostly about after sex.
That's all it's about.
You just want to make sure you're on the same page.
You know?
That's why now, after sex,
because of my fear of these accusations,
like, I send a very lovely text message.
Really. Like a delightful text.
One that reads,
"I just want to thank you
for that great consensual sex that we had.
Please confirm 1 for yes."
( mutters )
The only thing weirder than finding out
your father has a second family...
is finding out that you guys are that second family.
What else should we talk about?
- ( music playing ) - ( singers vocalizing )